Don’t ask me why I quoted a Monkees song title in the subject line. My life hasn’t been the most coherent lately. Last night, I ended up eating some ham, but not any meatloaf. Perhaps I will have some of that later. Right now, though, I need more coffee.
I was thinking about my life up until now, and I’ve always noticed I’ve been a lurker when it comes to anything. I have a feeling like I’ve never really belonged anywhere. In high school, there were clearly groups of friends, cliques or whatever term seems practical to call them. I was amazed that I could bounce between the groups, not wanting to only hang with a certain group. It never allowed me to get close to anyone, but getting close was not my concern. Whenever I’d be on the Internet, no matter whether it be IRC, USENET, or whatever else, I felt like I’ve never belonged to anything. It’s as if I could never belong anywhere, since I won’t subscribe to the whole clique thing. I don’t know why others thought they had to feel so shallow, even though in their minds they thought it wasn’t shallowness. When did it become a custom to have only close knit groups of friends, unwilling to branch out and accept others? It’s like a bunch of several communes, each unwilling to have any diplomatic relations with the other. I felt where I fit in was the guy who tried to bring the communes together. But as only one man, I know I couldn’t do it alone. Consequently, it’s meant that I’ve been alone in trying to face the ilks of the world.
Now don’t get me wrong, I treasure all the friends I’ve ever made, even if later they didn’t really treasure me as a friend. I wanted to be there for everyone, but I’ve learned that if I try to help everyone, than someone always gets slighted. It’s hurt me more than I’d like to admit. It’s why I’ve never been able to trust anyone fully. Too quickly, people just seem to walk out of my life, with not a reason as to why. I know it’s partly my fault, but really, what can I do about it? I can’t go out and reel people back in if they’re unwilling to be reeled.