“Our goal should be to experience joy.” -seen on DRMS-C’s whiteboard today

I suppose I’ve done this before, but for those who are new to this journal, lemme just explain this again. I was born with a disorder which (among other, less significant things) basically inhibits my social ability. I think I can be the first to say that it basically sucks and blows. But still, I’ve decided that I’ve got to trudge on despite all the misgivings I have for myself. I do have a steady job now, which I couldn’t have to save my life a few years ago. And yet, there’s still something missing from it all. I want to be able to communicate effectively, in a way that makes it known what my feelings are. But even that has the ability to drive people away, when what I really wanted to do was to bring them closer. Somehow, I feel like any attempt to communicate, even the subtlety of body language, will eventually cause me to end up completely isolated. Do I really come off as brash and undeserving? I’ve been pondering that question lo these many years, and I still don’t have any idea how I can attempt to search for an answer. But I won’t be satisfied until I achieve certain goals, and I don’t necessarily mean the career kind either. Do I try too hard, or is it simply a case of not trying hard enough?

At least the past few days have gone well for me. Nothing too out of the ordinary is happening, and I greatly look forward to the coming three-day weekend. But still, somehow I still feel powerless. So many things happen to people I love, and it seems I can’t do anything to help. I want to tell myself I’m not bound by territory, but reality would tell me otherwise. As the song goes, manic depression’s a frustratin’ mess.

I don’t know precisely when, but I figure I’ll have to watch Four Flicks, which I bought with the $40 Best Buy gift card Vicki gave me. I still have $55 in Meijer gift cards on which to lavish myself, but nothing has tickled my fancy. I suppose if anything should leap out at me, it should be comfort foods, but I’ve been hankerin’ for some more electronic entertainment.


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